InnerView UnMastermind
Mental loops on meaning and purpose
I leave Nic’s UnMastermind group feeling humbled and emptied out.
The usual grief and stuckness that I arrived with is still there, but watered down.
When I sense what to do next, nothing is there. Only something to distract me with or to check off my to-do list. Nothing creative or inspiring arises.
Maybe that’s ok. Maybe I need to allow myself to really just do nothing. It feels a bit boring. To my mind, that is (I suppose).
My mind wants a goal, it wants meaning, it wants accomplishment, it wants to know why it is here and what it needs to do.
But then I “do” nothing, let the feelings be there with another present, and those thoughts fall away.
Then I am left with the mind so bored and desperate for meaning that it comes up with even more ideas.
The ideas exhaust me. But they arrive (I think) because there is a knowing (from where?) that I am meant for big things. That I can do more, need to do more, should do more, could do more. Help others. Understand more deeply. Know more completely.
But what, exactly, to do?
This seeking energy feels so attached. Attached to some construct of who I am, what I could offer, what I am about, etc.
Is this knowing a demand placed upon me by society, by my family? Is this knowing something I feel in my bones that I must do, that I can’t not do, that is my birthright and brings forth the very best in me? I think it’s both.
I am questioning even this knowing, now. It feels very depressing. Like I am so lost and have no idea who I am anymore. I have long sought for what I am to be and do in this life.
But if I am not the seeker, who am I? If I am not the listener, who am I? If I am not the one serving others, who am I?
And why the fuck am I here?
What’s the fucking point to all of this? WHAT’S THE FUCKING GODDAMNED POINT?!?!!!??!
I suppose that is the voice of the mind again, bringing lots of rage and tears with it. Because after the inner view, the sitting with the group in stillness, the mind didn’t ask that long ago worn out question. The feeling was simply nothing. No striving, just what’s here and now.
Yet, from this place, the mind doesn’t know what to do and feels very confused and disoriented. It is bored by my to-do list because it craves connection and meaning in my work and deeper relationships and to be around people more - all the things it sees as missing in my life. (Attachments?)
The mind sucks me back into its loops of misery and survival, just doing what’s next to get by. Fucking soul sucking.
Here I am. The mind humbled for just a moment. Just a brief, glorious moment of no-thing.
But it doesn’t seem to last very long.